The Woes of Marik Ishtar
by dm23
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...CHAPTER EIGHT IS UP.
1. Starting the Summer

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar  
  
Author: dm23  
  
Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...  
  
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CHAPTER ONE  
  
Marik Ishtar glanced at the expensive watch he'd found on the ground last week. Actually, he hadn't exactly "found" the watch. He'd first gotten his older brother and half-slave, Odion, to beat up the squirmy little third- grader with the watch. Marik himself had done the threatening, and the third-grader had dropped the watch on the ground and ran off.  
  
The watch itself was still in mint condition, although it had crashed to the ground. Right now, Marik was staring at little section that showed the seconds passing. They were passing by extremely slowly. He couldn't wait until the bell rang, which would signal the end of the dreaded school. The very end, in fact. Summer vacation was just a little away...  
  
"Mr. Ishtar, if you would stop staring at your hand and pay attention to the class."  
  
Marik looked up and glared at Mr. Myers, his Language Arts teacher. What a shame he had to be his sixth period teacher. He was the only teacher on campus who wouldn't let his class have some time off in the last week of school.  
  
"If you give me that look one more time, Mr. Ishtar, I can send you straight to the principal's office, and you will have to spend your first minutes of summer vacation cleaning up the entire campus." Mr. Myers turned back to the chalkboard. "I know all of you are very anxious to get out of class, but that does not mean you can stop paying attention. After class, you will line up at my desk to receive your report cards."  
  
Uh-oh, Marik thought, with some foreboding. Ishizu will kill me if I get another C in Language Arts. He tried not to think about his older sister and what sort of punishment she would give him.  
  
He stole another look at his watch, as Mr. Myers picked up the white chalk.  
  
"In high school, all of you will be expected to take quick notes while the teacher is talking, so make sure to improve your handwriting legibility over the summer."  
  
Yeah, yeah, whatever...Marik turned to the large clock on the classroom wall. It seemed like it hadn't moved at all. Oh, wait...about one more minute...  
  
"Especially those of you who have extremely ATROCIOUS handwriting – Marik Ishtar! What are you doing?"  
  
Marik looked at his desk, as the entire class turned to look at him. He could hear hearty sniggers from some of the more popular kids in his grade. "Uh...I was making sure my watch was exactly the same as the school clock."  
  
"And is it?"  
  
"No, you didn't give me enough time."  
  
"And why would you do that?" Mr. Myers walked over to his desk. "It seems like a pointless thing to do."  
  
"Well, I...uh...I wanted to make sure my watch would be able to tell me what the time was next year at school. You know, since I don't know when the bell will ring when I'm in my house. That way, I wouldn't be late on the first day..."  
  
Mr. Myers snorted. "Well, I expect to see you here early on the first day of school next year."  
  
"But...um...sir, I won't be here on the first day of school. Remember? I'll be in high school."  
  
"Old Myers is getting senile," someone commented loudly from the back of the class. Marik made a silent note to thank the person after the class. Until he heard the next comment.  
  
"Just like Ishtar's gonna be when he grows up."  
  
Marik glared at the idiot who had made the remark. "You'll pay for that, you jerk," he growled, under his breath.  
  
"Mr. Ishtar –"  
  
The teacher was cut off by the bell. Everyone jumped up from their seats, the ones at the back bustling toward the exit.  
  
"Line up at my desk for your report cards!" barked Mr. Myers.  
  
The students grumbled and headed toward Mr. Myers' completely clean desk. Marik shot a look out the window at all the other classes, who were crowding around their classroom doors, report cards already clutched in their hands. A few of them had already burst into tears.  
  
"Alphabetical order!"  
  
The class quickly got into alphabetical order, which had been the very first thing Mr. Myers had made them do at the beginning of the year. Mr. Myers quickly passed out the report cards. When Marik got to the front of the line, Mr. Myers paused, glanced at his report card, and handed it to him with a smirk.  
  
Gulping, Marik grabbed it and ran out of the classroom. "Please, not another C," he prayed. He looked at the list.  
  
Physical Education: A- Oh, well. He wasn't the most fit in his class and certainly not the fastest.  
  
Social Studies: B- (He couldn't remember dates and names very well...except for Ancient Egypt, but they'd studied that in sixth grade.)  
  
Science: C (He'd forgotten to turn in a major project.)  
  
Elective: B (He had an elective class?)  
  
Math: C- (Well...he HAD flunked the finals...)  
  
He shut his eyes and peeked at the last line.  
  
Oh...gosh...he felt like fainting. Except he couldn't faint in front of all the other people filing out of class.  
  
A D-? No way...that was WAY worse than a C. Right? It was...practically a step away from an F. Marik groaned, ignoring the other students staring at him. Ishizu will kill me, he thought, as he jammed his report card into his back pocket.  
  
With dread, Marik headed toward the school parking lot and started toward the direction of his house. Oh, boy...he really didn't want to go home...  
  
RUN AWAY! advised the evil Yami Marik inside of him.  
  
"I can't do that," he protested. But even as he said it, it sounded like a good idea. Ishizu would never know where he was, and he could use his Millennium Rod to control the cops that were sent after him. He could run away to...somewhere, and maybe he would send a message to Odion and tell him where he was, so he could have a friend.  
  
In fact, all he would have to do was turn around and head in the other direction.  
  
"Marik, where are you going!?"  
  
Marik turned to look at the extremely angry face of his older sister, Ishizu Ishtar. Her blue eyes were narrowed in the way that he usually saw them. Of course, she never looked at anyone else that way. Everyone else thought she was "positively charming."  
  
"You got your report card?" she asked. It sounded more like a statement.  
  
"Uh...yeah." Marik fumbled in his pocket for the report card. He felt like throwing it in the trash can next to him and saying he couldn't find it, but that wouldn't fool his sister. He held out the crumpled piece of paper.  
  
Ishizu frowned as she accepted the sheet of paper, but she opened it anyway. "A-...a B-? How did you get a B- in Social Studies?"  
  
"Uh...they didn't study Ancient Egypt?"  
  
"C, B...a C-? Marik, your scores are getting worse and – Marik, did you get a D-? In Language Arts? I TOLD and TOLD you to work very hard in that class..." She didn't sound angry, just a little disappointed.  
  
"I tried," Marik said. It came out sounding extremely pathetic.  
  
"Well, you didn't try hard enough. That's it, Marik." She folded up the report card and looked fixedly at him. "I'm going to have to send you to summer camp."  
  
"Summer camp?" Oh, no...the terror...  
  
"Yes, summer camp. It'll teach you some responsibility, at least. And I've fond out that Yugi and Joey and Seto and everyone else are going, as well."  
  
"But –"  
  
"No buts, Marik. You are going, and that's final." She motioned for her to follow him. "It will start next week, and you ARE going."  
  
"We'll see," muttered Marik and followed her to their house.  
  
A/N: What drastic thing will Marik do to get out of going to summer camp? Find out...in the next chapter.  
  
I want a Google E-mail address! It's called Gmail, or something like that, and it has 1000 MB of space. Right now, I have a Yahoo SBC E-mail address, and it has 100 MB of space, but it's SO SLOW... I'd rather have a quick E- mail with only 10 MB of space than a slow E-mail with 100 MB. I don't really need a giant mailbox. For now, though, Gmail isn't available; it's just on commercial right now, so I'll have to wait.   
  
Have any of you watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban? I haven't watched it yet, but I want to...my cousin's madly in love – kind of – with Tom Felton (he plays Draco Malfoy), but he's hella ugly in the third movie because he doesn't comb his hair back. You can tell from the teaser trailers. 


	2. Escape!

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar  
  
Author: dm23  
  
Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...  
  
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A/N: Oops, I forgot to put a disclaimer in the first chapter...oh, well, everyone knows that I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or anything like that...I DO own the summer camp I'm going to make Marik go to because there is no such thing as the summer camp I'm making him go to. Thanks to my little sister, nikedude, for helping me put the ridiculous ideas in this chapter.  
  
Rhea Hiryuu: The other campers will probably survive. Marik might not.  
  
Daisaigai697832: Okay, I'm updating. I got the message.  
  
Maho Shojo: Does Marik like chocolate chip cookies? Or maybe sugar cookies?  
  
TombRaider15: Thanks for the review.  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Marik sighed. He'd never known a Saturday to be as boring as this Saturday. And it was supposed to be fun. School had just ended, after all.  
  
It was all his dratted sister, Ishizu's, fault. If it hadn't been for her and her strict rules, he wouldn't have ended up having to go to summer camp because he'd gotten a D- in Language Arts. How many times had he told her Mr. Myers hated him? If Mr. Myers had to give him an award, it would probably be "The-Worst-Student-I-Have-Ever-Met Award." And since he was so OLD, he'd probably already have met a lot of students. It wasn't even his fault that he'd given Mr. Myers a bad first impression. Yami Marik had been the one who had pulled the fire alarm on the first day of school. Of course, nobody could really tell the difference.  
  
If I didn't want to go to summer camp, sneered Yami Marik, I would have already devised a way to get out of the house and skip the day summer camp starts. You could ALSO stay away forever...isn't that what you wanted? Then Ishizu won't ground you if you come back.  
  
"Shut up; you've gotten me into enough trouble."  
  
However, Yami Marik's words were taking effect. Maybe there WAS a way to sneak out of the house. And he'd have seven days to get out.  
  
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Day #1  
  
Marik checked his stolen watch for what felt like the fiftieth time in that minute. It was still 11:59 P.M. Ishizu would be going to sleep at 12 o'clock sharp.  
  
Sure enough, his watch beeped, and Ishizu turned off the light in her room.  
  
Marik started to pull his blankets off, then he realized he hadn't put them on in the first place. No wonder it had gotten so cold. He put one foot on the ground.  
  
Ishizu didn't make a sound. Neither did Odion, in the room next to his.  
  
He put the other foot on the ground and pulled himself off the bed. The bed groaned, sounding like it was relieved.  
  
Marik walked quietly out of his bedroom. Thankfully, Ishizu had fixed the house around some, and every step he took didn't end in a loud creak.  
  
He stepped forward. CREAK! Uh-oh, there was that step Odion hadn't been able to fix. (Ishizu had slapped him because of that.) He froze in place, listening to the two other bedrooms.  
  
Thankfully, Ishizu was a deep sleeper and had already fallen asleep. He heard her roll in her bed and continue sleeping. Odion was still quiet.  
  
Marik sighed in relief and took another slow step forward. Thankfully, there was no noise. It wouldn't be far now until he would reach the front door, get onto his motorcycle, and zoom out of town. By the time Ishizu figured out his motorcycle had started, he'd be at least three miles away and safe in another city.  
  
He reached for the door handle. It was so close...he stepped again, his ears straining for sound from Ishizu's room.  
  
A face moved in front of him. Marik jumped and stared at the scarred face of an escaped murderer.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" he screamed, launching himself backward and landing painfully on his rear end. "You – you stay away from me! I've got a weapon!" He pulled out his Millennium Rod and waved it pathetically in the direction of the murderer, who was coming closer to him.  
  
"Stay away!" he wailed, not caring if Ishizu heard him. He could hear Ishizu's light being flicked on in her bedroom.  
  
The murderer stooped in front of him. "Master Marik? Are you all right?"  
  
Marik gasped and backed into one of Ishizu's potted plants. "How do you know my name?"  
  
"Master Marik?" Odion looked down at him with a confused look on his face.  
  
"Odion!" Marik sighed thankfully. "It's just you."  
  
"MARIK! What are you doing out of bed? You get back to your bed this instant. You are grounded!" Ishizu grabbed him by the arm and hauled him up. She gasped as he stood up completely. "My darling!"  
  
Marik almost choked. Was she talking to ODION?  
  
Ishizu bent down and picked up the remains of her plant. "Marik, WHAT did you do?"  
  
"There was a murderer about to kill me!" shrieked Marik. "Wouldn't you care if your brother had died?"  
  
"A murderer?" Ishizu turned to look at Odion with a bemused look. "I think you really SHOULD get to summer camp, Marik."  
  
"No! No! No!" Marik shouted, not caring if he sounded like a two-year-old who only knew the word "no."  
  
"You ARE going, Marik, and if you continue to see things like murderers and destroy any more of my plants because of your hallucinations, I'm going to send you to a psychologist!"  
  
Marik gulped. A psychologist was someone you saw if you were considered crazy. He really didn't want to see one of THOSE.  
  
Wait, crazy? His own sister thought he was CRAZY?  
  
Yami Marik snickered. And you've listened to me once again, he chuckled.  
  
Ishizu let out a huge sob. "Now I'm going to bury my precious," she cried. "Let's go, darling."  
  
What, she cared more about a plant than her own brother? Marik gaped, incredulous. Undetected, a fly flew into his mouth.  
  
Odion looked around at everyone. "Well, I'll go be going back to sleep." He went back into the hallway and to his bedroom.  
  
Marik shook his head and headed back to his own bedroom as well. "I'm going to get back at you, Yami Marik," he snarled.  
  
What a pity, my dear, that you won't be able to find me for a while. Now hurry up and devise another plan so the fun can begin.  
  
Marik accidentally swallowed the fly (unknown, of course.) "What did you say?"  
  
I said FUN, you idiot! snapped Yami Marik. You know, I'm not sure I want such a stupid hikari. I'll spend the rest of the week at Nick's Hair Salon, looking at the wonderful haircuts everyone is getting. After a week, I'll be joining you at...SUMMER CAMP! He laughed evilly and disappeared.  
  
"Come back here!" screamed Marik. No one answered.  
  
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Day #2  
  
"Now, Marik, I'm going to the store to buy some milk." Ishizu looked sternly at him. "Odion will be staying at home with you, and I expect you to behave. And if you destroy another one of my plants –"  
  
"I won't destroy one of your plants," interrupted Marik hastily.  
  
"Well...I'll be going now. I won't take long, but I expect you to have finished breakfast by the time I come back."  
  
"All RIGHT," Marik grumbled. Ishizu gave him a sharp look and exited the house.  
  
Marik went back to his room. Like he was going to stay inside the house. This would be a very good chance for him to leave. He took his Millennium Rod and stuck it in his back pocket. Then, he went to check on Odion.  
  
Odion was lying facedown on the bed and snoring very loudly. Marik smirked. Odion wouldn't be able to tell if he had left at all, and when Ishizu came back, she would just blame Odion for being so careless as to let Marik go.  
  
He went into the dining room. His breakfast was lying there in a plastic bag. He scooped it up and tied it to his belt. Then, he went out the front door and climbed onto his motorcycle.  
  
VROOM! The motorcycle made more noise than he thought it would. Marik kicked it and rode off the driveway. Hopefully, Odion hadn't heard it.  
  
No such luck. Odion came out of the house, yelling at the top of his lungs. "Master Marik! Come back here!"  
  
Marik was about to wave good-bye to him when he noticed his neighbors staring strangely at Odion. It was best to pretend he didn't know Odion existed.  
  
"Master Marik!"  
  
Marik sped up the motorcycle and finally reached the main road. There, it would be easy to camouflage in. He noticed the busiest lane and cut in front of a car to get in. There was a loud series of beeps, and Marik cut around some other cars.  
  
Suddenly, the cars all stopped. Marik cursed and zoomed on forward. Unfortunately for him, the cars had all stopped because of a red light. He drove right into an intersection, and a car crashed into the front of his motorcycle.  
  
The last thing he saw before he passed out was Ishizu's face staring at him, as he lay on the ground.  
  
[At the Hospital]  
  
Marik rubbed his eyes and opened them slowly. He looked around at the area around him. The walls were completely white. The desks were completely white. The lights were white. The bed he was lying on was white.  
  
Wait, what? His bed wasn't white. It was purple. He suddenly realized he obviously wasn't at home. It looked like he was in the hospital.  
  
Ishizu came into the room. She fit quite nicely, with her white clothes, although her hair was completely black. Her blue eyes looked over him in concern. Or maybe it wasn't really concern. It looked rather fake to him.  
  
"Marik, did you know that you were just involved in a very fatal accident?"  
  
"I was?" asked Marik groggily. He couldn't really remember anything, except that he had just left the house.  
  
She frowned at him. "You could have died, Marik. What were you doing, looking for me? Or were you trying to escape from going to summer camp? Marik, you are being completely ridiculous, and there is definitely something wrong with you. I think I should really send you to the psychologist."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Marik, you are acting like a kindergartner! I thought you were going to high school next year. Why are you acting so childish?"  
  
"It's not my fault; I just don't want to go to summer camp."  
  
"Well, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it."  
  
Marik sighed. She was right. There WAS nothing he could do about it.  
  
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Day #3  
  
Marik woke up. Immediately, a teaspoon of a nasty-tasting medicine was forced into his mouth. He choked and almost barfed it out.  
  
Swallowing it with difficulty, he asked Ishizu, "What kind of medicine is this?"  
  
Ishizu smiled. "It's something called Robitussin. It tastes very good, don't you think? I got it from Tea."  
  
No wonder it tastes awful, Marik thought. "It...um...tastes okay. Not as good as that Tylenol stuff you used to give me when I was little."  
  
"Well, the Tylenol I have right now doesn't deal with headaches. Maybe I'll have Odion get some of that Tylenol later. For now, the doctor says you have to get plenty of sleep and stay in bed for the entire day." Ishizu popped something into his mouth. "This'll help you get to sleep."  
  
"But I don't want to sleep again," protested Marik. As soon as he said it, he fell asleep.  
  
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Day #4  
  
"Die!" shouted Marik, pressing a random button on the video game controls. He had persuaded Ishizu to let him spend the day playing his favorite video games, and she had relented once he had pretended to be very sad. He had also promised he would go to summer camp without complaining, but he had been crossing his fingers at that time. He'd also been crossing his toes, for extra luck.  
  
Right now, he was playing Super Smash Brothers Melee, which had been a game Odion had given him for his previous birthday. He made his favorite character, Ness, dash around the screen in victory, as his opponent, a Level 1 Mr. Game & Watch, had just died.  
  
"Having fun?" questioned Odion, smiling as he saw Marik playing one of the birthday presents he had given his master. Of course, Odion, being the senile old man he was, could never remember which year he had given Marik which present.  
  
"Yeah, I'm having...fun." Marik made Ness move toward the Mr. Game & Watch, then pressed Side A. Ness pulled out a bat and hit Mr. Game & Watch with it. Mr. G & W soared away.  
  
"Here, let me help." Odion grabbed Marik's controller. Ness went out of control.  
  
Mr. G & W dashed toward Ness and started tossing sausages at him. Marik screamed at Odion as Ness was thrown backward by the sausages' impact. Odion looked embarrassed and quickly left the room.  
  
Smirking, Marik quickly took over the game. Ness, as usual, was winning. He defeated Mr. G & W with ease, and two minutes passed. Ness was declared the winner.  
  
"What fun!" cried Marik and made his opponent a Level 1 Link instead. "This will be more of a challenge," he muttered and went to Hyrule Temple.  
  
Marik made Ness run over to Link and began hitting him with the bat. Link moved away and started hitting him with Illusion Stab. Marik went crazy and pressed the A button as much as possible. Link continued hitting Ness. Marik forfeited the battle.  
  
Today wasn't any better than it was yesterday. [1]  
  
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Day #5  
  
Ishizu forced Marik back onto his bed. "Odion say you were a little too active yesterday, so you're staying in bed today."  
  
"But –"  
  
"No buts." She pulled the blankets over him. "There...don't you feel nice and comfortable? I'll be packing a little knapsack for you that you can take to summer camp in two days. What sort of things do you need?"  
  
"I don't know," snapped Marik. "I don't even want to go to summer camp. Why are you making me?"  
  
"Because you need to learn a little more responsibility. Now be a good boy and stay in bed and rest."  
  
Marik tried getting up, but Ishizu forced him back down again. "Marik! If you don't stay in bed, then I'm afraid I can't be so patient with you. Now, stop being so dense and stay in bed!"  
  
When Ishizu talked in that tone of voice, anyone listened to her, as long as they didn't want to take an unpleasant and unexpected visit to the past.  
  
"All right," he grumbled, glaring at her smile. "I'll stay in bed...I still don't see why I can't learn responsibility from something else...besides, what people are going to the summer camp anyway?"  
  
Ishizu looked surprised at the change of topic, since Marik was trying to sound at least a little decent about the camp. "Well...I heard that Seto and Mokuba are both going. I think Yugi and the rest of his friends are also going."  
  
Marik felt ready to scream. He'd tolerated this much; now he had to find out that Kaiba, his bratty brother, little Yugi, the fool Joey, and the rest of the cronies were going as well? This was NOT turning out good...  
  
"All right, Marik, sleep tight."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"And don't let the bed bugs bite." Ishizu smiled and left his room.  
  
Bed bugs? Marik snickered at the thought. He couldn't believe his sister actually believed in these fairy tales. Wasn't that a rhyme that little kids used to say? The only fictitious character he believed in had been the tooth fairy, and he'd stopped believing in it when he was thirteen, and Ishizu had decided he was too old to get money for his yellow teeth. He never really knew what she'd done to keep the fairy away, but she'd been doing a pretty good job for it because the fairy never came back. Perhaps she'd done some poisoning.  
  
He yawned and rolled himself into something that resembled a lumpy ball. He was really feeling kind of sleepy.  
  
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Day #6  
  
Marik awoke to feel something scratching his leg. He reached down and tried flicking it away. Unfortunately, he didn't exactly know where it was and ended up creating a bruise on his leg.  
  
He tore the blankets off and tried grabbing at the little bug that was buzzing around his bed. He'd get that little bed bug if it would—  
  
Bed bug? So they actually existed. Ishizu wasn't going crazy after all. He snatched the bug and squeezed it angrily. The wings crunched up automatically.  
  
He smiled in defiance and smeared the bug on the wall behind him. Now, if he could only find a way to get out.  
  
Breaking a window sounded good. He'd seen that in a lot of movies. Unfortunately, the only window in the house was in Ishizu's room because she didn't allow Marik freedom to look outside.  
  
Maybe he could find one of those air conditioning vents. People in movies were always crawling around in those when they were stuck in a burning building. But what was the chance he would find an air conditioning vent big enough for him to climb through? About one to a million, probably. He didn't think Ishizu even had vents in this house. They were from Egypt, after all.  
  
He decided to break a part of the roof and climb out. The roof was so low in this house that he'd have no problem getting onto it.  
  
Marik poked his head into Ishizu's room. She was sitting at her desk, facing away from him, scribbling something on a piece of papyrus. He rolled his eyes. She was SO old-fashioned. Hadn't she ever heard of paper? Like, computer paper?  
  
He snuck into the living room. Odion was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed one of Ishizu's many gardening tools (not like she ever did anything to her horrendous garden) and went back to his room. He shut the door and locked it, then started jumping on his bed, poking at the ceiling with whatever tool he had gotten. He thought it was shaped a bit like an hourglass attached to a stick, except the sides were abnormally shaped.  
  
He jumped again, finally grabbing a hunk of roof. He yanked it down and smiled. It was easier than he thought it would be. Marik reached up to grab another piece of roofing. Then, he realized that parts of the roof were crumbling down toward him. He jabbed at them, hoping to stick them back up. Unfortunately for him, it just caused everything to fall down on him.  
  
CRASH! No doubt Ishizu had heard it all.  
  
Sure enough, Ishizu started pounding on his door and screaming all sorts of things. "MARIK! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? UNLOCK THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW BEFORE I – MARIK! GET OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANT!" There was a pause as she gasped very loudly, and Marik heard the rest of the roof falling down.  
  
Marik dropped the tool on his foot. It hurt a lot. Just then, Ishizu came storming into his room and grabbed him by the shoulders, screaming out how HE was going to pay for this mess, how HE was in so much trouble, and how HE was definitely going to summer camp because of this. She didn't seem to blame herself at all for this and started banging him on the head with the tool on the ground, which hurt more than dropping it on his foot.  
  
Three hours later, Marik found himself working on fixing the roof with Odion. Thankfully, the entire roof hadn't caved in; only about half the house had roofing left, though. Marik was just sitting there most of the time and handing his brother the supplies, while Odion was sweating under the hot sun. When Ishizu came with refreshments for the two, Marik drank all of them (after she had left, of course).  
  
"Hand me the hammer," grunted Odion.  
  
Marik looked around at the tools. "Uh..." He tried not to sound stupid. "Which one's the hammer?"  
  
"The one shaped a bit like an hourglass attached to a stick."  
  
"You mean the one I dropped on my foot?"  
  
Odion shrugged and took the hammer by himself. He began pounding nails into the roof, which really did no good at all. "Now hand me another nail."  
  
Marik threw him the box of nails and, ignoring Odion's yells of pain, said, "I'm going to go inside and see what the roof looks like from in there."  
  
"Oh." Odion continued working.  
  
Marik grinned at Odion's stupidity, then frowned as he saw Ishizu inside the house. How was he going to leave the house with Ishizu in there? She'd definitely hear his motorcycle and catch him before he left the driveway.  
  
He decided to sneak around the house and into the garage through the old rusty door they never used before. When he finally got to the door, he opened it slowly and swore as it made a loud creak. Had Ishizu heard that? Probably not because he could still hear Odion's moans of pain. Apparently, the nails could do more damage than he thought. But Odion should have had the experience, considering he had tattooed his own face.  
  
Marik walked slowly over to where he kept his motorcycle. Strangely enough, it wasn't there. He checked behind the washing machine. Perhaps Ishizu had put it in there.  
  
He opened the door to the house. "Ishizu!" he hollered. "Where's my motorcycle?" He realized, too late of course, that he was giving himself away. His sister waddled into the kitchen and started screaming at him again. From the little snatches of information Marik could hear, it sounded like she had sold his motorcycle in order to get the money for the roofing.  
  
"I TOLD YOU THAT YOU'D BE PAYING FOR THE ROOFING, DIDN'T I?" shrieked Ishizu, when Marik started whining between sobs. "NOW STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY! GO OUTSIDE AND HELP ODION!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Marik, scared to death, did exactly what she said.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Day #7  
  
Marik kicked his bed. Ishizu had grounded him for the entire summer and said she might enroll him in the second part of summer camp if his behavior continued to be so horrible. In addition, she had also limited his diet to a nasty-tasting meat that smelled like it had expired ten years ago. She'd also sold his helmet and all his motorcycle-related items, saying he'd never get another motorcycle in his life. Marik cried over his motorcycle for hours, wondering who had received his most prized possession.  
  
Of course, his misery was short-lived. Ishizu came storming into his room, telling him to pack whatever he could into a little knapsack that was covered in Hello Kitty. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, she had gotten rid of all his motorcycle clothing and had purchased Sailor Moon accessories instead. AND she said he couldn't take his Millennium Rod with him. (Marik had a feeling she was going to sell that, too, so he snuck it into his knapsack when Ishizu wasn't watching.)  
  
It took him the entire day to stuff all his things into the little bag. Right before his bedtime, Ishizu reminded him that he had to pack a sleeping bag, so Marik spent another hour trying to put his in a flimsy, plastic bag.  
  
Right before he went to sleep, Ishizu presented him the fattest chicken he had ever seen. "Isn't she adorable? She's going to accompany you to summer camp! I call her Malika because it sounds a bit like your name. Also, she's a girl, so it's the feminine part."  
  
Marik screamed. Had she forgotten about his alektorophobia [2] already?  
  
"What's wrong, Marik?" asked Ishizu, tucking the chicken into bed with him. "Now, I accept you to be well-behaved, all right? That's my good girl..." Apparently, she was talking to the chicken.  
  
Marik closed his eyes and tried to get some of his beauty sleep. He'd need it.  
  
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[1] Sorry about all the Super Smash Brothers Melee stuff. My older sister, Elventine, was playing it when I was typing up this chapter.  
  
[2] That's fear of chickens, if you don't know. It's pronounced uh lehk tore uh foh bee uh.  
  
A/N: Now that Marik is definitely going to summer camp, what's he going to do there? Who bought Marik's motorcycle, and will Marik ever find out?  
  
At some time in this chapter, my older sister, Elventine, was playing with her Whoopee Cushion, so please excuse me for any typos I may have accidentally added into the chapter. For those who don't know, a Whoopee Cushion is something you blow up and sit on, making a realistic fart. 


	3. Camp Hippo

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar  
  
Author: dm23  
  
Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A/N: All, right, I've got extra time, so I decided to start chapter three! Well...considering it's summer, there's got to be a lot of extra time, right? I feel sorry for all the people who have summer school...would you rather want summer camp?  
  
Oh, yeah, sorry about Yugi being a little out-of-character. I don't really like the "completely innocent" Yugi, so let's just say he's learned some bad habits from Yami – and Joey.  
  
my-darkie-chan: Well, it's a Humor fic; it's supposed to be funny.  
  
Yu Yu Fan: Summer camp IS fun; it's just that Marik has never ever been to summer camp, so he doesn't know what it's like.  
  
CHAPTER THREE  
  
"Have a nice time at summer camp!" cried Ishizu, seizing Marik into a motherly hug. Actually, it wasn't considered very motherly, since it about half choked him to death and she muttered, "If you don't behave yourself, you're going to the second part of camp." Then, she patted his Hello Kitty knapsack, which had his pet chicken in it. "Take good care of Malika, all right?"  
  
"All right," Marik grumbled, making a mental reminder to let Malika loose as soon as they went on a hike. What had Ishizu been thinking? He DID have alektorophobia, and all the other children would laugh if they saw him equipped with a chicken.  
  
A tall man who was bearing a bus driver uniform started blowing on his whistle. "All campers going to Camp Hippopotomonstrosesquippedal, would you please get on this bus! I repeat, all campers going to Camp Hippopotomonstrosesquippedal, would you please get on this bus!"  
  
Ishizu pushed Marik toward the yellow bus. "You can call it Camp Hippo, for short, Marik. Send home plenty of letters!" She patted him on the head, patted his knapsack again, and headed off.  
  
Marik grimaced as Malika squawked softly. What would his letters say?  
  
Sorry, Ishizu, but Malika ran off today. I couldn't find her.  
  
I'm lost in the forest, and I hope you get this letter because I don't think anyone's going to be sending a search and rescue team to find me.  
  
I drowned in the swimming pool; this is the letter I wrote to you before we went swimming, since I knew I would drown. By the way, did you know that my only pair of swimming trucks was stolen by Malika before she ran away?  
  
Boy, were THOSE cheerful letters. Ishizu would regret bringing him to camp. He boarded the bus, nevertheless. Half the bus was full, and he didn't recognize anyone. He found a seat near the back of the bus and stared gloomily out the window.  
  
A familiar voice reached his ears.  
  
"See this book, Joey? It's called Funky Phobias. I've been trying to memorize some of the phobias in it, as well as a lot of other phobias from the Internet. I think you have felinophobia, by the way."  
  
Yugi Moto's voice. Marik bared his teeth. He hated Yugi. Hopefully, the bratty King of Games wouldn't notice him sitting here, or he might talk about how Marik had alektorophobia...especially if he saw the chicken.  
  
"'Ey, Yug, look, it's dat Marik dude!" Joey pointed to Marik, who sighed and continued looking out the window. He'd always detested Joey's accent. " 'Ey, Marik, what 'cha doin' 'ere by yerself? Ain't Ishizu wid ya?"  
  
"Keep quiet, you fool," snapped Marik. "Or I'll send you to the Shadow Realm." He eyed the blonde with disgust, then noticed with dread that his sister, Serenity, was following him, along with Tea, Mai, Tristan, Duke, and Ryou. This was way too much to take. All of the idiots were coming to Camp Hippo?  
  
Joey sat down across the aisle from Marik. "We're gonna be 'ere ta keep an eye on ya, Marik. C'mon, Tristan, siddown 'ere." He motioned to his best friend, and Tristan sat down in the window seat. Duke attempted to squeeze in with him, but ended up sitting with Yugi and Ryou, who were sitting behind Marik. Apparently, the two of them had much more room left over than Joey and Tristan did. Serenity, Tea, and Mai squeezed in the seat in front of Joey and Tristan. No one bothered sitting with Marik.  
  
Marik sank lower into his seat. He hoped he wouldn't have to show them his knapsack, or open it. They would laugh themselves silly at the sight of Malika.  
  
He groaned extremely loudly as he saw Kaiba and his younger brother, Mokuba, get on the bus. They sat down in front of him, although they didn't show that they saw him. Mokuba, apparently, had seen the rest of the gang.  
  
"Hi, Serenity! Hi, Tea! Hi, Mai! Hi, Joey! Hi, Tristan! Hi, Yugi! Hi, Ryou! Hi, Duke!" His eyes passed right by Marik. "Seto and I are going to Camp Hippo! Don't you think it's going to be fun?"  
  
"Why did they call it Camp Hippopotomonstrosesquippedal anyway?" asked Yugi, glancing at the camp brochure he had to make sure he had pronounced it correctly. "Sounds like a completely pointless name to me. The first part sounds like hippopotamus...then maybe monstrosity, then quip, and then pedal. Strange word, huh?"  
  
Kaiba took out a laptop and began typing, while everyone else – except Marik, of course; he would never join in such a stupid conversation – talked about the camp name. The talking lasted about one minute, then Joey said, "I can't wait until we go swimming, can you? Swimming's AWESOME..."  
  
"Swimming is extremely useless," Kaiba pointed out, "unless you are stranded in the ocean." Of course, everyone else seemed to disagree with him, except Marik, who didn't say a word.  
  
"Swimming is fun!" exclaimed Mai. "I can't believe you don't like it!"  
  
Kaiba went back to typing on his laptop.  
  
Serenity looked a bit doubtful. "I'm not sure I'm very good at swimming."  
  
Marik sneered. Of course she wasn't.  
  
"What if I crash into one of the walls or something?" she continued in her worrywart tone of voice. "Or what if my eyesight fails all of a sudden, and I swim off...what if something happens to you, Joey?"  
  
Yugi rolled his eyes. "First off, there are no 'walls or something' because we swim in a lake." He paused to make sure Serenity got the point. "Next, your eyesight won't fail and if it does, Joey can sue the doctor. Lastly, I'm pretty sure Joey knows how to swim and won't break a leg or something."  
  
Kaiba snorted. "Unless he tries diving into very shallow water." He didn't sound sarcastic.  
  
Serenity gasped. "Oh, no! My brother!"  
  
"Don't worry, sis; I'll be sure ta do dat." Joey grinned and poked her in the back of her head.  
  
Serenity looked ready to faint.  
  
"Maybe he'll get attacked by an underwater creature," added Kaiba.  
  
Serenity started to cry.  
  
Mokuba hit his brother. "That wasn't nice, Seto! You should apologize right now!"  
  
Kaiba sighed and continued typing. He would only apologize if Mokuba threw a fit, and chances were Mokuba was not going to throw a fit about him having to apologize.  
  
"Let's change the subject," suggested Yugi brightly. "What about my birthday? You know what Grandpa got me?"  
  
"I got you a pack of cards," Joey bragged.  
  
Yugi chucked the brochure at him. "Grandpa got me a motorcycle! It has jet- black wheels, and some red decoration on it. It's mostly gray, though, and I think it's been used...but that's okay, although it's a bit big for me. It might be about..." He looked around the group. "...Marik's size, maybe."  
  
Marik choked. That was HIS motorcycle! HIS motorcycle! Ishizu had sold it to Yugi's grandpa? That was just horrible...  
  
Yugi hit him in the back of the head. "Don't you have a motorcycle that looks a bit like that?"  
  
"Uh...yeah, but I don't ride it too much anymore." Marik tried to make his voice sound perfectly fine.  
  
"Maybe we could ride our motorcycles together one day. Tristan, don't you have one, too?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Kaiba pretended to look shocked, then said, "I forgot about your birthday." He turned back to his computer and started typing extremely fast. Then, he pressed a button, and he handed a check to Yugi.  
  
"Here. A million dollars."  
  
"But Kaiba!" Yugi seemed terrified at taking the money, yet a bit pleased at having so much at his disposal.  
  
"Just take it!" snarled Kaiba, tossing the check at Yugi like it was no big deal. [1]  
  
Yugi picked it up off the floor. "I bet I could sell the check to those idiot fan girls you hate so much for a billion," he said, tucking it into his backpack. "And then I'd steal it back and charge the check at the bank."  
  
"Unless they slobber over it first," said Tristan.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Camp Hippo doesn't look so bad from here, thought Marik, as he stared out the window. It would probably be better than the six-hour ride. Yugi and his cronies had spent half the time discussing what they were going to do at Camp Hippo and half the time insulting Marik. It took all he had to not punch Joey Wheeler in the face. If he had, Ishizu might send him to the second part of summer camp.  
  
The bus pulled slowly to a stop, and the doors opened. The bus driver yelled, "It's Camp Hippopotomonstrosesquippedal time! Everyone off the bus! Remember to get your luggage!"  
  
Luggage? Marik groaned, as he thought about the suitcase Ishizu had hurriedly packed for him. No doubt there were all sorts of useless things in there. He vaguely wondered how many pairs of underwear she had given him.  
  
Marik followed everyone off the bus, tucking his knapsack under his shirt until he got his suitcase. Then, he opened it and tossed it in, hoping no one had noticed the pink designs.  
  
A lady walked up to meet them. She didn't exactly look like she belonged at a camp, probably because of her high heels, which made her wobble in the grass.  
  
"Hello, campers!" she called out, stumbling toward them. "I am Ms. Brown, the leader of this camp. You may call this Camp Hippo, if the name is too long to say all the time."  
  
"What does the camp name mean?" someone shouted.  
  
Ms. Brown turned in the direction of the voice. "If you don't mind, I am speaking here. You will do well not to speak while I am. If you don't, you will most likely miss directions."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Now, do you see those cabins over there?" Ms. Brown pointed to some wooden dormitories, some parts of it covered in trees. "There is a white sheet of paper on one of the walls, and that is where I have listed the names of who is in which cabin. There are six cabins in all, three for the girls, and three for the boys. There will be seven or eight people in each group, depending on what works. After you find your cabin group, please go to your cabin and commence packing. Any questions?"  
  
There were no questions, as everyone was eager to find out who was in their cabin group. Marik trudged toward the listing, his heart feeling extremely heavy. He looked at the list.  
  
CABIN #1 (Boys)  
  
Theme: Chickens and Computers  
  
Ryou Bakura, Duke Devlin, Marik Ishtar, Mokuba Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Yugi Moto, Tristan Taylor, Joseph Wheeler  
  
CABIN #2 (Girls)  
  
Theme: Valentine's Day and Video Games  
  
Jessica Anderson, Tea Gardner, Felicia Flint, Angela Kang, Elizabeth Lee, Michelle Myers, Mai Valentine, Serenity Wheeler  
  
CABIN #3 (Boys)  
  
Theme: Barneys and Books  
  
Gary Cohen, Juan Gonzales, Robert Hall, Tony Ip, Joshua Swenson, Larry Swenson, Ethan Turk, Timothy Young  
  
CAINB #4 (Girls)  
  
Theme: Dances and Dragons  
  
Alicia Evans, Aki Kazuko, Katherine Lin, Margaret Madison, Crystal Park, Kimiko Ren, Christina Tang  
  
CABIN #5 (Boys)  
  
Theme: Pigs and Puppies  
  
Zachary Duong, Gino Giordano, Wayne Herminio, Hector Ithamar, Antonio Osmond, Kenshin Takumi, Katsuro Yuki  
  
CABIN #6 (Girls)  
  
Theme: Genies and Giraffes  
  
Lucia Anthony, Carina Bells, Naoko Hikari, Alexandra Johnson, Cathy Liu, Jamie Sullivan, Dolores Walsh  
  
Marik groaned. Not only were his cabin mates a bunch of stupid idiots, but his cabin's "theme" was outrageous as well. Chickens and computers? What were the chances of your theme being chickens and computers when one member of the cabin had actually brought his pet chicken (himself) and another member was a computer freak (Kaiba)?  
  
He headed up to Cabin #1, not bothering to wait for the rest of his group. They would find him sooner or later.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
[1] It probably wasn't. Kaiba's a billionaire.  
  
A/N: All right, hopefully Marik wasn't quite AS pathetic. I tried not to, but as he's my least favorite character, I couldn't help putting in some...well, "not exactly good" things about him. I hope the next chapters will be up in a hurry, but I can't guarantee it. Too many summer vacations... 


	4. The Theme: Chickens & Computers

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar  
  
Author: dm23  
  
Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Yu Yu Fan: Where did I get the name? Oh, I got it out of Yugi's Funky Phobias book. And yes, the theme is supposed to be wallpaper-ish kind of thing...they'll get nice big sheets of butcher paper and they can draw pictures of chickens and computers on it, they being Cabin #1.  
  
my-darkie-chan: Actually, I really enjoyed the review. I enjoy any positive reviews.  
  
Ecea: Um...well, I know a lot of Marik fans myself.   
  
future-girl948: Look, another Marik fan that's decided to read my Marik story! (I really have no idea why you're here, but I'm glad you like my story. )  
  
nikedude: Well, I wonder why I haven't been able to update? Because YOU'VE been on this computer all the time!  
  
mariksucks22: Ooh, good ideas! evil laugh   
  
malikhater1105: Okay, I'm updating.  
  
CHAPTER FOUR  
  
Reminder: Cabin #1 contains Ryou Bakura, Duke Devlin, Marik Ishtar, Mokuba Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Yugi Moto, Tristan Taylor, and Joey Wheeler.  
  
"So what do you guys want to do about that theme and all?" asked Yugi, looking innocently around at his cabin group.  
  
The eight cabin members were supposed to be in their bunks sleeping, but they had decided to talk about what they would do about their theme instead. Marik, of course, had already made up his mind to join in such stupid conversations.  
  
"What exactly is dis 'theme' supposed ta be about? Are we supposed ta...like...act like chickens or somedin'?" Joey howled in laughter at his own lame joke.  
  
"SHHHHHHHH!" hissed everyone, except for Ryou, Mokuba, Kaiba, and Marik. (Ryou was gazing out the window, Mokuba was snoring away on his bed, Kaiba was typing on his laptop, and Marik was staring stubbornly at the wall next to him.)  
  
"Eh...sorry. But what ARE we supposed ta do? Acting like chickens doesn't sound all dat great, if ya ask me. Are we supposed ta paint da walls?"  
  
"Fat chance," said Tristan. "They'll probably give us costumes or something tomorrow."  
  
"Painting the walls sounds like fun." Yugi looked around the dull cabin. "I mean, they could do with a little work, don't you think? Although I don't think we'll be allowed to...we'll probably have sheets of paper or something. What do you guys think? I don't see why we have chickens and computers, though. That's kind of stupid."  
  
"Well, another group had Barneys 'n books," answered Joey. "That's just as stupid."  
  
"Hey!" yelled Tristan. "I like Barney."  
  
"SHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Yugi turned and fixed his eyes on Kaiba's computer. "You know, since we have Mister Computer Freak with us, we could always use his computer or something...I bet he could design something real cool for us. Then we could raffle away one of his many laptops for the last day. That'll make us real popular."  
  
"Why don't you raffle away Marik's pet chicken?" snarled Kaiba, his eyes not leaving the screen.  
  
Marik gasped. "How did you know about Malika?"  
  
Yugi snorted. "Malika? What kind of name is that? You're not telling me you REALLY have a pet chicken, do you? And you brought it to Camp Hippo? What kind of a chicken freak are you?"  
  
"Dat's good; we've got Computer Freak 'n Chicken Freak wid us." Joey chortled. "Just perfect for our theme."  
  
Yugi looked at Kaiba. "How DID you know about Marik's pet chicken?"  
  
Kaiba calmly continued typing. "Well, I couldn't help but notice his pathetic knapsack – it's pink, with Hello Kitty all over it – so I wanted to see what other ridiculous things Ishtar had brought. Besides, he'd left it on my bunk; I had every right to look through it before I threw it back on his. So, I opened it, and this chicken pops out –"  
  
He was interrupted by Yugi's loud laughter. "A chicken? You like chickens, Marik, huh?"  
  
"Shut up," growled Marik, clenching his fists. "I have alektorophobia. I bet you don't know what that is, you dork!" He smiled as Yugi looked confused. Mr. Yugi Moto may be the King of Games, but his vocabulary didn't seem to be very advanced.  
  
"I remember now!" Yugi snapped his fingers. "That's fear of chickens!" He pulled out his Funky Phobias book. "See, alektorophobia. Fear of chickens..." He raised his eyebrows. "If you have fear or chickens, why did you bring one?"  
  
"Good-bye present from Ishizu," Marik muttered.  
  
Yugi choked. "Doesn't she know you have alektorophobia?"  
  
"No, she only knows I have ichthyophobia," Marik replied conversationally. "She thinks I really like chickens because she and Odion both –"He stopped as he saw Yugi flipping through his book.  
  
"Ichthyophobia? Isn't that...fear of fish?" Yugi cried. "I doubt you'll like swimming very much –"  
  
Joey started laughing uncontrollably. "Ya won't wanna put a foot in dat swimming pool. I hear it's full of fish! I know what, since you 'n Moneybags both don't like swimming, ya can stay outside together."  
  
"Fish like me," said Kaiba quickly.  
  
"'N how do ya figure dat out?" snapped Joey. "If ya never swam before in ya life?"  
  
"Of course I have!" Kaiba growled. "When Mokuba got us both stranded out in the ocean, I had to carry him on my back and swim back." He made a face. "I never knew he was so...heavy." Luckily, Mokuba was sleeping, so he didn't hear a thing.  
  
Yugi tucked his book back into his backpack. "Let's all get to sleep and discuss this tomorrow." He flashed a smile at Marik. "Take good care of MALIKA," he added, winking.  
  
Marik clenched his fists and kicked his knapsack. Malika squawked but he ignored it. He'd get back at Yugi no matter what it took.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Morning, everyone!" Yugi shouted at the top of his lungs.  
  
Marik groaned and rolled over, glaring at Yugi. He'd been having a terrific dream about crushing Yugi in Duel Monsters. Just typical of Yugi to screw it up for him.  
  
Yugi came over to him and poked him in the face. "Still sleeping?" he asked incredulously. "Don't you know that we're almost late for breakfast? And we haven't even discussed this ridiculous theme!" He started kicking Kaiba's bunk, even though Kaiba was already awake. "Is Mokuba awake yet?"  
  
A loud snore gave him the answer. Yugi rudely yanked off Mokuba's blankets, and then went to deal with Joey, Tristan, Duke, and Ryou.  
  
Marik looked at the clock on the wall. 8:05 A.M.  
  
8:05?  
  
He jumped out of bed. "Yugi! Get back here! Breakfast isn't until 9:00!"  
  
Yugi looked back at him and winked. "Well, isn't it nice that you woke up so early. Besides, we should get to discussing that theme, huh? How's Mali --?"  
  
Marik grabbed him. "One more word about Malika, and you'll wish you'd never been—"  
  
Kaiba yanked the two of them apart. "Are you trying to wake up this entire cabin or what? If you shout any louder, Mokuba's going to –"  
  
"Who cares if Mokuba wakes up?" snapped Yugi. "He ought to get some exercise anyhow." He tweaked Marik's nose and ran off to wake up Joey and Tristan. (Duke and Ryou had already headed to the bathroom.)  
  
"'Ey, why is everyone up already?" Joey questioned, rubbing his eyes. "Kinda early, don't ya think?"  
  
Marik sneered. "If it wasn't for your pathetic little friend, Yugi, you wouldn't be up so early. He woke us all up and said we should talk about the theme."  
  
"Dat's a great idea!" Joey exclaimed. "C'mon, everyone, wake up! Let's talk about—"  
  
"What's to talk about?" demanded Kaiba. "We already said we'd raffle off Marik's chicken. And don't wake up Mokuba—"  
  
"Why is everyone stuck on the idea of raffling away Malika?" howled Marik.  
  
"I thought you didn't care about her." Yugi pushed Tristan, Duke, and Ryou into the room. "Why are you objecting to getting rid of her? Even though you have alektorophobia."  
  
Marik reddened. "Well, I—"  
  
"Well, what?"  
  
"It's not a good idea!" screamed Marik.  
  
"Oh?" Yugi looked around at the rest of the group. "Well, what do you think is a good idea?"  
  
Marik froze. "Um...why don't we discuss this later? Like, at breakfast?" He tried to get back in bed, but Yugi pulled on his pajamas.  
  
"Oh, no you don't, Marik! Now that we're all wide awake, let's discuss the theme."  
  
Marik groaned loudly to emphasize the point that he didn't think the theme was worthy talking about. Unfortunately, Yugi tugged him back to the ground and brought up one of the ideas he had been thinking about while trying to get to sleep. Marik wasn't sure what it was because he started zoning out immediately.  
  
Apparently, the rest of the cabin group had agreed on it (excluding Kaiba, who insisted they raffle off Malika, and Mokuba, who was still asleep). They looked at Marik expectantly.  
  
"What?" he asked innocently.  
  
"What do you think of the idea?" questioned Ryou.  
  
"What idea?"  
  
Yugi smiled. "We should bring Malika to breakfast and spoil her."  
  
"Oh, no!" he shouted.  
  
"You'll do most of the spoiling," added Yugi, winking.  
  
Marik sighed and leaned on the wall. Yugi took that answer as a yes.  
  
"All right! Let's get ready to go to breakfast. And don't forget your chicken, Marik."  
  
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A/N: Well, that was a LITTLE short and a LITTLE late. I had to go to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon...it was boring...unfortunately, I couldn't update my story at that time. I hope this chapter is worth it. (The next chapter will be chaos!)  
  
16 reviews! I'm happy. Thanks to everyone who reviews and puts me on their favorites/author alert list! 


	5. Breakfast Horrors

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar  
  
Author: dm23  
  
Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Liviania: It should be getting a little more woeful.   
  
TombRaider15: Marik will also be having a lot of other phobias.  
  
Yu Yu Fan: Okay, I knew Chapter Four sucked. Chapter Five should be a little better.  
  
CHAPTER FIVE  
  
At 8:55 AM, Yugi shouted to everyone that it was time to go out and eat breakfast. Joey and Tristan dashed out of the door immediately, ready to have a taste of the camp food. Mokuba and Duke followed the two, with Ryou walking slowly behind them. Yugi pushed Marik forward – Marik was eager to eat food, but not at all eager to bring Malika – while Kaiba brought up the rear with a laptop.  
  
"Hurry up," panted Yugi, who seemed to be having a tough time pushing Marik. "You're so...heavy."  
  
Marik was about to make a snide comment back, but he felt Kaiba's foot connect with his leg and figured it would be safer if he shut up. Behind him, he heard Yugi commenting on the kick.  
  
You won't be laughing later, Yugi Moto, Marik told Yugi in his head.  
  
Joey was yelling "Hurry up, everyone! We can't get in 'til da entire cabin group's 'ere!" Yugi shoved Marik forward so hard that Marik tripped over a rock and almost let go of Malika. He actually ended up squashing her.  
  
Kaiba smirked and cut in front of Marik to get in line behind Mokuba. (Ryou had no objection.) "I'm not going to be caught dead next to that freak," he said calmly. Yugi nodded at Marik and cut in front of Ryou with a whispered apology.  
  
Marik gritted his teeth and entered the cafeteria. Luckily, he was blocked a bit by the huge line, so no one had noticed the chicken yet. He started reaching for a plate and accidentally dropped Malika.  
  
With a squawk, Malika bounded on him, angry that he had fell on her once before and extremely frustrated that he had now dropped her. She swooped down on him and started pecking on his head. The cafeteria exploded with laughter.  
  
Marik pushed Malika away, but it wasn't doing any good. She continued to bite him, occasionally taking bits of his old shirt with her. Meanwhile, the entire camp was in an uproar, and everyone was much too amused to help Marik.  
  
He swatted at Malika, which caused her to start pecking his arm. He then quickly crawled behind one of the giant trash cans and covered his head with his arms. Malika decided to start biting at his legs, but since he was wearing jeans, she couldn't do much.  
  
Marik could hear Yugi laughing right next to him, which did not make him any happier. He couldn't wait to wipe the smug look off little Yugi's face, but that would have to wait; there was an angry chicken after him.  
  
Why do I have to have alektorophobia? he asked himself, groaning as he crawled backward into the safety of the other trash cans. It would probably take Malika some time to be able to squeeze in with him. This area was awfully cramped, but at least he was safe from chicken attacks.  
  
A pair of hands grabbed Malika, who squawked in surprise and tried to bite the person. Marik sighed in relief but decided to stay hidden. If the person dropped Malika, chances were she would try to head back to Marik.  
  
He heard the voice of Ms. Brown. "Whose chicken is this?"  
  
"Marik Ishtar's," answered Yugi. Marik could imagine Yugi smiling sweetly, trying to look innocent. What a shame his innocent face always seemed to work on sniveling adults.  
  
"Come out, Mr. Ishtar," Ms. Brown ordered.  
  
Marik shakily climbed out from behind the trash cans. "I – I dropped her – by accident, and she s-s-started to at-t-tack me..."  
  
"No excuses, young man. Now why did you even bring a chicken to camp?" she asked icily.  
  
"M-my sister gave h-h-her to me."  
  
Ms. Brown smirked. "I think you'll be getting detention because of this, Mr. Ishtar. We generally don't allow pets at Camp Hippo. Or didn't you read the camp brochure?"  
  
Marik opened his mouth to tell her that Ishizu had never given him any instructions on Camp Whatever, but she continued without giving him time to answer.  
  
"So you should be cleaning the staff cabins today. AND I'll be taking away your beloved chicken," she added sternly.  
  
Thank God, Marik thought. He was so sick of Malika.  
  
"Wait a minute," said Yugi.  
  
Marik turned on him with a snarl. If that little brat ruined anything else for him, he was going to fix his puny face. It was enough that he had to clean the staff cabins.  
  
Ms. Brown looked down at Yugi. "Yes --?"  
  
"Yugi Moto, miss. I think you should give Malika back to him. He cries at night if he doesn't have his chicken with him, and it would certainly bother us."  
  
"What?" yelled Marik. He certainly did not cry at night if he didn't have Malika. He'd kept that darn chicken in his knapsack all night. No doubt Yugi was making this up to make him look like a fool.  
  
Ms. Brown, thankfully, did not relent. "Well, that's his problem. If he wanted comfort during his sleep, he should have brought along a teddy bear." She tightened her grip on Malika, who was trying to peck her again. "Now, I'll be bringing this chicken away, if you don't –"  
  
"Please, Ms. Brown? It's really annoying when you're trying to sleep...I think Marik's behavior will be a whole lot better, too." Yugi shot a wicked look in Marik's direction. "Plus, Malika fits in with our cabin's theme: chickens and computers."  
  
Closing her eyes in thought, Ms. Brown thought about it for a while. Then she threw Malika in Marik's arms. "Go ahead; take her. If you want it so much," she added, smirking. She walked away, with Marik gaping at her.  
  
The entire cafeteria started laughing again. A kid from another cabin pushed Marik. "Have you taught the lame chicken any tricks? Let's see 'em."  
  
"I haven't taught her –"  
  
The boy started to jump around, flapping his wings in imitation of a chicken. "Look, I'm Ishtar!" he shouted. Some of the campers started falling off their seats.  
  
Marik sank to the floor, his face red with shame. He really wished this would end. Unfortunately for him, he still had six more days of torture left in Camp Hippo. And he had to behave. If he didn't, he'd be sent right back to the next week.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Hey, chicken boy! What's up?"  
  
"How long have you had that weird chicken? Ever since she was a chick?"  
  
"What kind of a name is Malika?"  
  
"Is it true you cry if you don't carry her at sleep, Ishtar?"  
  
Marik kicked the ground hard. Malika was fast asleep in his arms. Unfortunately, he couldn't cover his ear, but he ran as fast as he could back to the cabin, where not everyone could tease him.  
  
The door swung open, and the rest of his cabin walked in. He glared at Ryou, who was probably the closest person he had to a friend at Camp Hippo. He could tell Ryou was trying not to laugh, and that wasn't good. If Ryou was laughing, everyone else probably thought the situation was hilarious.  
  
Marik placed Malika on his bed. He didn't want her to wake up, or she'd start attacking him.  
  
"That was a nice show, Marik," commented Yugi, grinning.  
  
Marik growled but didn't say anything. He couldn't really say anything.  
  
"Yeah, let's chicken wrestle!" Joey screamed. He started laughing at his own lame joke, and he and Tristan started to "chicken wrestle," which was exactly the same as real wrestling, except they flapped their arms around and made "bawk bawk" noises at random times.  
  
Kaiba snorted and stepped over the two of them to his bunk, where he immediately opened his laptop and began typing. Mokuba climbed onto Kaiba's bunk and watched him type. Duke was watching Joey and Tristan, occasionally snapping a picture with his ugly digital camera. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about Marik.  
  
Everyone except Yugi, of course. Yugi's bunk was on top of Marik's, and he hung down in front of Marik's face, smiling widely.  
  
"So, that performance was pretty good, Marik." He winked and pulled himself back up before Marik could swing a punch at his face.  
  
"Will you shut up about that?" snarled Marik. The last thing he needed was a little review about his so-called performance.  
  
Yugi looked down at him and fake-pouted. "Well, I was just complimenting you. It was a good start. Now that we're on that topic, anyway, got any ideas for our stupid theme?"  
  
"Yeah, kill Malika and hang her dead body outside," suggested Duke. Marik thought that was a pretty good idea.  
  
"No objection?" Yugi questioned, looking at Marik, feigning surprise. "Wow, you sure got over her fast. I think that's a bad idea, though. Ms. Brown would probably hate us for killing something."  
  
"Then YOU think of something!" snapped Marik. He fell backward onto his bed to try and get some sleep. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about putting Malika there and squashed her. She rose with a squawk and started pecking at him. Everybody else ran outside, leaving Marik to deal with his pathetic chicken.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A/N: All right, I know you were all eager to see what would happen at breakfast, so I tried to type it up as early as possible after coming back from youth retreat! But youth retreat was fun! I typed up a huge weblog entry about it in my Xanga. For those who want to know, my Xanga username is h0m3st4r23. But if you're too lazy to type up that URL in the URL box, just click on my username and click on homepage. That should bring you to my Xanga. You might be bored out of your wits reading it, though...I kind of want a Rubik's Cube now, although I certainly don't know how to solve one. 


	6. Cabin Website

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar  
  
Author: dm23  
  
Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Yu Yu Fan: Aw, Yugi's my favorite character. I just hate his little innocent act, so I decided to make him a bit more devilish in my fic. I mean, you can't say it doesn't fit him. Yami must've influenced him. [In a wondering tone] What does "Ja ne" mean?  
  
Kataiya-Rena: Well, some readers feel sorry for Marik, others don't. I just like torturing him.   
  
Liviania: It's a humor fic. You're supposed to laugh. It makes me very happy that I'm actually making someone laugh.  
  
MalikRules: Oh, I feel like a hypocrite even typing that name. I torture Marik because I want to torture Marik. It's fun to torture Marik. Besides, he can't do anything about it. And in my fic, Marik doesn't hate all those other reviewers because...well...let's just say he still can't do anything about it. But you can dislike them if you want. (My older sister likes Marik, too, but whatever...)  
  
Mokuba's Official Glomper: Hm...the first review I've received that is a continuous conversation...I like those; they're fun to read.   
  
CHAPTER SIX  
  
Marik stuffed Malika's leg into his knapsack. "And stay there!" he snapped, zipping the pocket up tight. He could hear her squawks of protest but he was quite happy that she couldn't get out and annoy him.  
  
"Aw, that was mean..." taunted Yugi, his wide purple eyes blinking innocently at Marik. "Couldn't you be a little nicer to your pet chicken?"  
  
Marik rounded on Yugi. He couldn't believe Yugi was still teasing him, after he had wasted his breakfast hiding from a stupid chicken and spent the last hour cramming Malika into his knapsack. "You just shut up!" he hollered. "I've had enough of your –"  
  
Yugi smirked. "That's too bad, isn't it, Marik?" He smiled, making his face turn into the "innocent-I-wouldn't-hurt-anybody-if-I-could" look.  
  
"What are you talking about? Can't you just shut your mouth?"  
  
"I can't shut my mouth. I've got a stuffy nose, so I have to use my mouth to breathe." Yugi winked. "Anyway, I don't care if you've had enough of my whatever's; you're just going to have to keep listening to me."  
  
Marik growled and glanced at his watch. He sighed, thinking about how much better it had been at home, even if Ishizu had been nagging at him to go to Camp Hippo. He recalled the time Odion had beaten up the little twerp to give him this very watch.  
  
He groaned as he realized he was late for his detention. Six minutes late, in fact. Ms. Brown would be so angry.  
  
Yugi laughed appreciatively. "Late, Marik? I wonder why..."  
  
Marik grabbed the digital gadget that was lying on Mokuba's bunk and chucked it at Yugi, too angry to call him any names. He stormed out of the cabin to do his detention as Yugi swooped down to catch the rather bad throw. He could hear Yugi tinkering with it and yelling "Thanks for the gift, Marik!" as he sprinted toward the staff cabins.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Great, Marik's out of the way," Yugi said aloud, gently tossing Mokuba's device back onto his bunk. He didn't want to break anything that belonged to the bratty kid, or he'd have to answer to Kaiba.  
  
Yugi slid off of his bunk and lightly landed on the floor. He quickly ran to the back door, looked around, and ran outside before anyone could see him.  
  
"So, did Ishtar leave yet?" asked Kaiba, his eyes still not leaving the laptop screen. "He must've realized he was six minutes late."  
  
"Yeah, he left." Yugi decided to keep the "chucking Mokuba's toy at me" part out.  
  
"'N he didn't say anydin'?" Joey questioned.  
  
Yugi laughed. "He called me some bad names and then stormed out. Anyway, Kaiba, what have you designed?" (Before he'd gone in to annoy Marik, Yugi had persuaded Kaiba to design something super-cool for their theme. He actually had no idea what Kaiba had in mind.)  
  
Kaiba continued typing. "I'm not completely done, but I thought I would make it black and dark blue with frames..."  
  
"Huh?" Yugi, obviously, did not understand what the hell Kaiba was talking about.  
  
"I think he's tryin' ta make some kinda website fer Cabin Numba One," Joey piped up, trying to sound helpful. "Isn't dat cool? We're cabin numba one. 'Cuz we're numba one."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Kaiba snorted. "He wanted to call the website 'Cabin Number One' and make that idiotic phrase the slogan, but fortunately, I decided to do things on my own."  
  
Joey pouted, kicking at the ground. "He hasn't let any of us make ANY choices! I thought dis was a group effort, Yug! Da only one he considered was Bakura's 'cuz at first, Kaiba wanted only black but Bakura thought dark blue would be kinda okay..."  
  
"Done yet, Kaiba?" Yugi asked, who didn't really want to listen to Joey's explanations – if you could call them explanations.  
  
"I'll be done in about ten years," answered Kaiba, smirking. "No, I'm not done yet, and if you would stop bothering me about whether I'm finished or not, the website would be up quicker."  
  
Yugi sighed. "All right, I'll wait. Anyway, is it true you haven't let anyone make any choices?"  
  
"No, it's not. I've taken Bakura's idea, haven't I? And it was Wheeler's choice to make 'Chickens and Computers' our slogan after I told him that foolish one he had previously certainly wouldn't work. You obviously haven't made any choices, since you ditched us to irritate Ishtar. Mokuba's been sleeping for the meantime, and those two morons, Taylor and Devlin, were too scared to make any ideas after I told them to jump off a cliff when they INSISTED on using Wheeler's 'we're numba one' as our slogan."  
  
Yugi coughed, trying not to laugh at Kaiba's imitation of Joey. (It was a pretty bad imitation, since Kaiba lacked the accent, enthusiasm, and idiocy of Joey's voice.)  
  
Tristan cleared his throat. "We weren't 'too scared,' Kaiba. We just figured you wouldn't listen to us because you thought your ideas were oh-so- great. So we didn't bother wasting our breath on you."  
  
Kaiba rolled his eyes. "If you'd stop imitating me, I'd probably decide to put your name on the little section under Group Members. Right now, the only people there are Mokuba, Yugi, Bakura, Ishtar, and me. So if you'd please shut your mouth, I might possibly add you –"  
  
"You can't keep us outta dat section!" snarled Joey. "Everyone knows we're in da same group. Ya wouldn't fool anybody. Besides, this is supposed ta be a 'group effort.'"  
  
Yugi laughed. "If it's a group effort, how come Kaiba's doing all the work?"  
  
"That section is for people who have contributed. Since I've made this entire thing myself, I am, obviously, in that list. Mokuba gave me some ideas during breakfast" – for some reason, Yugi doubted that – "Yugi has done all of the Ishtar-infuriating, Bakura added one little color – which I don't think is enough for him to be on here but he's certainly done more than you – and Ishtar has helped by keeping out of the way. If you three would stay away, I just might add you."  
  
"All right, we'll 'stay away.'" Joey stuck his tongue out at Kaiba and turned around with Tristan and Duke. They started to discuss the scenery.  
  
"Pathetic morons," muttered Kaiba, beginning his typing again. "All right, I'm almost done."  
  
"What do you need to do now?" Yugi questioned, who was quite interested.  
  
Kaiba raised an eyebrow but decided not to make a comment. "I need to make an index page."  
  
"An index page?" Yugi was confused.  
  
Joey turned around triumphantly. "I know what an index page is! It's where ya put all da info in yer site 'n say what stuff is found on what page! See, Kaiba, ya have ta include me now!"  
  
Kaiba smirked. "I don't think so. Not only did you give me the incorrect definition of index page, you still haven't learned to shut that irritating mouth of yours. On a website, the index page is the page you go to when you type in the website URL. Don't you know anything?"  
  
Joey stomped his foot and turned back to talk with Tristan and Duke. Kaiba shook his head and said, "An index is what you're talking about, Wheeler. Although I'm not exactly sure how you know about indexes. They certainly don't introduce those in obedience schools."  
  
Yugi could see Joey's face turning beet red. Deciding that a fight between Kaiba and Joey would not be a good idea, he said loudly, "Maybe we should discuss this later? Like, after Kaiba's done with the website-thingy?"  
  
"I'm finished," announced Kaiba, handing the laptop to Yugi. "And be careful with that laptop. It's the best one I've brought."  
  
"How many have you brought?" Yugi muttered, visiting all the pages. "Hey, look, we all have our own pages. What are those for?"  
  
"What do you think they're for? You get to keep...journals in them for the time period we're here, so people can see how you're doing. It's quite foolproof and you don't need to know any Hyper Text Markup Language to use it, so you fools here should have no problem updating them...there's also these surveys you can fill out if you feel like it; they're just to let others know some more about you..."  
  
"What's Hyper Text Markup Language?" asked Yugi, changing the colors on his journal. (Kaiba was right; it was foolproof...even Joey would have understood all this.)  
  
"HTML, for short," Kaiba replied, studying Yugi's reaction.  
  
Yugi, of course, knew what HTML was.  
  
Kaiba took the laptop back. "There are places for you to sign in –"  
  
"Yeah, I already found that." Yugi grinned.  
  
"So you can update your journals or whatever things you want to do. Now, there's also a updates system, but only I'll be using that because I've only given myself the ability to access the editing part for the main page. You five would probably screw it up, so I'm just keeping it like that to make sure everything stays safe. Also, right now, your usernames are your names, obviously, and I don't think you'll want to change those, but if you do, at least tell everyone who you really are. You can comment in other cabin member's journals...you also have a 6 MB E-mail, and I've sent an E- mail to all of you telling you all you probably need to know. Your passwords are currently all your favorite cards without any spaces, but you can change them anytime you want. I've explained all this crap in the E- mail, so just look at that later so I can skip the lecture."  
  
"With pleasure," snorted Joey.  
  
Yugi sighed. "Kaiba, we're only going to be here for a week, if you don't remember, why are you making this so complicated? And we don't really need anything 'fancy' like this; it's just more work than you need to do."  
  
"It wasn't that difficult at all. It only took approximately ten minutes to set everything up. Anyway, if you fools can't remember the URL, you certainly are morons. It's hosted by the KaibaCorporation website, but it's got its own domain name –"  
  
"Come again?"  
  
Kaiba looked irritably at Duke. "Shouldn't you know this, Devlin? Why don't you just read the E-mail and figure everything out by yourself?"  
  
Yugi shrugged. "That's what I was going to do, but you switched back to lecture mode –"  
  
Joey scoffed. "Kaiba would make a great college professor. Goin' inta lecture mode. 'Course, da only class he could teach would be technology stuff."  
  
"Actually, I could probably teach every class." Kaiba shut the laptop. "We can work on this during break, and you can discuss all the little details amongst yourselves. I don't have to listen to this pointless conversation, anyhow."  
  
Yugi checked his watch. "I think Marik should be getting back, anyway. Let's head back in."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Marik stumbled to the door of Cabin One. His back was aching, and his hands were blistering. His legs felt like they would bend up underneath him, and Ms. Brown hadn't even let him wash his hands in the sink at the staff cabins. ("Your hands are much too filthy to clean here," she'd said with a "tsk.") His arms would probably have fallen off if they'd been allowed to, and he could barely keep his eyes open. It was torture.  
  
He fumbled clumsily, trying to open the door. Luckily, it swung easily to reveal a circle of his cabin mates, who were probably discussing the cabin theme. He wobbled to his bed without closing the door or greeting his fellow campers and fell straight to sleep.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A/N: I decided to get the next chapter up and running...I spent most of today and some of yesterday drawing this picture of Priest Seto and the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Well, you can't say I really "drew" it; I just looked at a picture in the manga and drew it on binder paper. The BEWD's wing is kind of big, but I decided not to change it. I hope this chapter is okay...not much Marik, but I was getting kind of sick of him.   
  
I've got a great idea for a new Yu-Gi-Oh story, but I'm going to finish The Woes of Marik Ishtar first. Don't worry, there are probably a ton of other chapters to be typed up and uploaded, so it won't be ending any time soon. I'm just happy that I'll be able to immediately start on another story as soon as this one ends. 


	7. Chain Mail

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar

Author: dm23

Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh

Genre: Humor

Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...

[..reviews..]

Kataiya-Rena: Hm...that laptop idea isn't bad. [Laughs because I'm not the biggest fan of Kaiba] I think I'll put that in...

Mokuba's Official Glomper: Pharaoh Soup? [Wonders if soup with bits of Yami in it would taste good] I'll...pass. I'm very picky on soups.

nikedude: Who cares if Kaiba sounds like Strong Bad? I don't. And when are you going to update your story? ïthat's my sister, by the way...

DemonicMistress Kree-kun: Yes, I'm updating right now.

[..chappy..]

CHAPTER SEVEN

{Author's Note: I wrote this while on a plane to Colorado, so it's not very good because I was so not fresh on ideas. But I hope it's ok. I mean, it took a long time to get this thing out. It's just a bunch of Chain E-mails. If you remember all of them, you'll see how this fits with everything else. Thanks for your patience! Oh, yeah, I don't own any of these websites – if they actually exist. I just made them up.}

NOTE: The lines of dashes isn't working, so I put things in brackets. Just so you won't get confused.

[..beginning of chappy..]

To: solomonmoto – (Solomon Moto)

From: chibi-yugi – (Yugi Moto)

Subject: Sup?

Message: Hi, Grandpa. Kaiba's made this website for summer camp, and it provided me with an E-mail, so that's why I'm using it. Anyway, things are fine now. We're all getting along real great. Except Joey and Kaiba, but that's to be expected. Anyway, I love you Grandpa, see you in a week!

To: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

From: solomonmoto – (Solomon Moto)

Subject: Re: Sup?

Message: Hello, my Yugi. I'm running the Game Shop fine without you, but I still miss you. Have fun!

[..end email..]

To: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: [none]

Message: I'm doing ok. Although my cabin mats don't seem to like me. Do you like my new E-mail? Kaiba made it for us and we got to pick our own names and I like mine.

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

Subject: Re: [none]

Message: That's not very nice, Marik. And don't you mean cabin "mates?" You shouldn't speak in rambling sentences. Have fun, sweetie. I knew you'd like summer camp.

To: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Re: [none]

Message: Right.

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

Subject: Re: [none]

Message: Marik, don't you dare talk to me in that ungrateful and sarcastic tone!

To: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Re: [none]

Message: You can't even hear me.

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

Subject: Re: [none]

Message: I'm warning you...remember, I can still send you to Week Two. :D

To: fateteller – (Ishizu Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Re: [none]

Message: Oh.

[..end email..]

To: odion – (Odion Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Help!

Message: Odion, you have to help me. Ishizu thinks summer camp is going along very well, but it really isn't. Could you please please please ask her not to send me to Week 2? Because I am suffering. The Pharaoh and his hikari are here, and they are insulting me every chance they get. So please please please do not have her send me to Week 2. –Marik

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: odion – (Odion Ishtar)

Subject: Re: Help!

Message: i WILL TRY TO HELP YOU, mASTER mARIK. dO NOT WORRY; iSHIZU WILL PROBABLY NOT SEND YOU TO WEEK 2.

To: odion – (Odion Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Re: Help!

Message: Thanks, Odion. Oh, don't tell Ishizu. BTW, I think your Caps Lock is on.

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: odion – (Ishizu Ishtar)

Subject: Re: Help!

Message: cAPS lOCK? what DOES btw MEAN?

To: odion – (Odion Ishtar)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Re: Help!

Message: Never mind. Stop replying to this one.

[..end email..]

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: chibiyyugi – (Yugi Moto)

Subject: Hi.

Message: You owe me one for telling you about the website and all that stuff. I think you should let me bother you for a day to make up for the debt. Does Malika have an E-mail?

To: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Bye.

Message: Shut up.

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

Subject: Stupid.

Message: YOU shut up.

[..end email..]

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: sereneserenity – (Serenity Wheeler)

Subject: Hello.

Message: Hi Kaiba...one of the girls in my cabin brought a laptop, and she's letting us use it. I thought I might E-mail you anyway.

Can you swim well? I'd like to see you swim. Tristan isn't very good at it, and Duke doesn't want to mess up his hair. You and Joey should race or something. Wouldn't that be fun?

That was an interesting breakfast, don't you think?

Love – Serenity

To: sereneserenity – (Serenity Wheeler)

From: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

Subject: Go away.

Message; How in the world did you get my E-mail? I can swim well, but I won't be swimming unless I'm forced to. Do you always end your ridiculous E-mails with "Love?" Stop sending me E-mails.

[..end email..]

To: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

From: sereneserenity – (Serenity Wheeler)

Subject: ...

Message: I can't E-mail Kaiba anymore. Can you help?

To: sereneserenity – (Serenity Wheeler)

From: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

Subject: Re: ...

Message: Oh, Kaiba blocked you. He told m so himself.

To: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

From: sereneserenity – (Serenity Wheeler)

Subject: Re: ...

Message: Can I make him unblock me?

To: sereneserenity – (Serenity Wheeler)

From: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

Subject: Re: ...

Message: I feel like blocking you right now.

[..end email..]

To: millennium-ring – (Ryou Bakura), diceman – (Duke Devlin), chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto), obsessedwithserenity – (Tristan Taylor), number-one-duelist – (The Mutt)

From: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

Subject: Marik's chicken

Message: Has anyone seen Marik's chicken lately?

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: chibiyugi – (Yugi Moto)

Subject: Re: Marik's chicken

Message: Why are you E-mailing us? You could just ask us...oh, wait, you don't Marik to know, right? No, I haven't. Sorry.

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: millennium-ring – (Ryou Bakura)

Subject: Re: Marik's chicken

Message: Last I saw of Malika was when Marik threw her outside. I haven't seen her since. I'm truly sorry that I can't be of much help.

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: number-one-duelist – (The Mutt)

Subject: Re: Marik's chicken

Message: No. I don't care. Change my name, you freak! I'm JOEY.

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: diceman – (Duke Devlin)

Subject: Re: Marik's chicken

Message: Can't say I have. What'd it do?

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: obsessedwithserenity – (Tristan Taylor)

Subject: Re: Marik's chicken

Message: Isn't it on Marik's bed?

[..end email..]

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

Subject: Your chicken.

Message: Have you brought your chicken to the bathroom lately?

To: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

From: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

Subject: Re: Your chicken.

Message: No. Why?

To: worldruler – (Marik Ishtar)

From: BEWDmaster – (Seto Kaiba)

Subject: Re: Your chicken.

Message: You are cleaning every single one of my laptops.

[..end chappy..]

A/N: Ok, kind of obvious what happened...I took it off Kataiya-Rena's review, who suggested I ruin Kaiba's laptop. (Or, in this case, laptops.) So, Marik's in big trouble, and so is Malika, but it's Kaiba, so he can't do a thing about it. Yay...


	8. Obstacle Course

Title: The Woes of Marik Ishtar

Author: dm23

Category: Anime – Yu-Gi-Oh

Genre: Humor

Summary: Follow Marik as he travels through his pathetic life. What could go wrong? Well...first of all, Ishizu decides to sign him up for summer camp first thing after he gets out of school...

..reviews..

Flaring Emerald: Notice that this is not a Humor/Humor fic. It's just Humor. Besides, stories that try to be too funny end up not being funny at all. I don't like Yugi's little "innocent" thing; I don't think it really fits him. No, I don't like to bash Kaiba, but I hate Marik, so that's basically why I made the fic. I don't hate Ishizu but she's not the greatest character because she's so obsessed with the past.

Ecea: Well...Marik is SUPPOSED to get tortured.

Liviania: Um...thanks for the support.

Shiguaaxxa: A video about Marik and Malika sounds good. But I think Kaiba will be the one adding the videos.

Shadow Snake: Ok, thanks.

Mokuba's Official Glomper: takes cookies Thanks.

Water Princess: I really don't care that much about Marik. He'll remember that he brought his Millennium Rod along once he gets some more torture. In the meantime, I think he has forgotten about it.

my-darkie-chan: Um...it wasn't really anybody's fault with the chicken. It's just that Marik didn't let it go to the bathroom properly. smirks

Ice Queen: Yes, I have read your review, and yes, I will update.

..chapter..

CHAPTER EIGHT

Marik felt like screaming. Kaiba actually had the nerve to tell him to clean all his laptops, including the ones Malika hadn't peed on. He would pay for this...Marik had had to clean the staff cabins, and now he was slaving away for his own cabin mates? Ishizu certainly had never mentioned this when she'd sent him off to camp.

He cursed at Malika, who was sitting next to him, for once not being naughty. Malika squawked back at him. Marik resisted the urge to strangle her.

Currently, all the other cabins were at some lame meeting that Ms. Brown had called them to. He wondered what little Yugi would be telling everyone about where Marik was.

"Marik's too ashamed to show his ugly face."

"He locked himself in the bathroom and doesn't know how to get out. In fact, he's screaming right now."

"We think he's trying to drown himself in the sink. Unfortunately, he won't fit in the sink."

Marik almost chucked one of Kaiba's laptops at the wall, then slammed it down on his sleeping bag. Malika clucked disapprovingly – sounding uncannily like Ishizu, or maybe Ms. Brown – and waddled over to a corner where she would be safe from flying laptops. Marik huffed and started on the next of Kaiba's laptops.

Suddenly, a beeping noise came from Kaiba's laptop. Marik practically dropped it in surprise, then gulped and opened it. Chances were he wouldn't be able to find out what was wrong with it, but if he couldn't, well...it wouldn't hurt to look around on Kaiba's stuff.

He clicked on the Internet Explorer browser, wondering if Camp Hippo even had wireless Internet connection. Turned out the cheap camp did, which rather surprised Marik. Not knowing what to do, he decided to check his E-mail on Kaiba's website.

Yugi had sent him a bunch of spam mail, which he deleted immediately. Kaiba had sent him some threatening messages, most of which included him telling Marik's sister about how many problems he had caused already at camp. He figured Kaiba wouldn't really go through with those threats, unless it was a real emergency, because Kaiba tended to avoid his sister, for some reason.

A pop-up came up, and Marik closed it with a growl. He'd thought Kaiba would have had some program that blocked all pop-ups, even if they did sell good stuff.

The exact same pop-up appeared, and Marik glanced at it quickly before closing it quickly. How annoying, some stupid message talking about how laptops weren't to be exposed to water in certain areas.

Startled, Marik jumped up and hit his head on the bunk on top of him. What had he been thinking? He'd been exposing Kaiba's laptops to water all day...was this some sort of warning that –

The message appeared again. This time, he read it thoroughly. It had extremely complicated words that he didn't understand, but if he didn't fix the problem, he'd be in even more trouble than he was now. He grabbed a jacket lying around and, closing the window and laptop, wiped the laptop clean. Sure, there was a wet stain on the jacket, but at least the laptop was dry.

That must've been what the beeping was all about. Marik sighed, wondering why he had never once thought of the beeping when he'd opened Internet Explorer.

He put aside the laptop and picked up another. Only about five more to go, he thought grimly, examining the one he was holding. There didn't seem to be any bird poop on it, so he gave it a swipe with the jacket to make sure it looked like it had been cleaned at least a little.

The rest of the laptops certainly hadn't been damage at all, so Marik put them all back on Kaiba's bed and stretched. He could hear the cabin coming back, so he shoved Malika under the blankets and went to the bathroom, where he wouldn't have to talk to them.

From what he could tell, Yugi came in first because the door opened and banged shut, which was Yugi's usual way of holding the door open for the next person. Plus, he heard "Marik? Where are you?" in the little wimp's voice.

Kaiba seemed satisfied with the laptops for now. (At least, Marik didn't hear any yells of outrage, and Kaiba did not come to pull him out of his hiding place and demand he restart.)

At last, Marik came out of the bathroom and faced the rest of his cabin. Yugi looked thrilled.

"You missed a really good meeting," he began, smirking. "What a shame you had to waste it cleaning Kaiba's laptops."

Kaiba had already opened his laptop – Marik couldn't tell which one, as they all looked the same – and quickly started typing. Then, he paused, gave Marik a weird look, typed some things incredibly fast, and shut the laptop.

"We're supposed to go through an obstacle course," continued Yugi. "It starts at seven, which is right after dinner, and you have three hours to complete it. Unfortunately, we have to go as a cabin group...we got these little wristbands that show what cabin we belong to."

Marik looked at everyone else, who all held up one of their arms to show him a light blue wristband that hung around their wrists. Kaiba just smirked.

Yugi tossed one to Marik, who missed and bent down to pick it up, amid snickers from Joey and Tristan. He tied it quickly around his wrist and looked expectantly at Yugi, who was stifling a laugh.

"So, as I was saying, we go through this obstacle course, and the first group out is the winner. Of course, we've already decided that Cabin One should be the winner. And you'd better not hinder us, Marik."

Marik opened his mouth to say that if someone would be hindering them, it would be a shorty like Yugi, but decided to stay put for now. He would need his energy for this pathetic obstacle course.

..new scene..

Marik shoveled some beans into his mouth. At least he'd get some energy into himself. Yugi, on the other hand, was being incredibly hyper and practically bouncing around on the wooden seat.

"Beans, beans, they're good for your heart...the more you eat, the more you fart," chanted Yugi, almost bounding off the seat. Marik groaned at the new chant Yugi had made, mainly because he was eating beans, and then Yugi's cronies started joining in as well.

"The more you fart, the better you feel...the better you feel at every meal."

Marik angrily continued eating his beans, wondering why Yugi had chosen to pick on him. Well, that wasn't much of a surprise, was it? Yugi had always hated him...why, he didn't know.

Ms. Brown rushed everyone through dinner, seemingly eager to make everyone start the obstacle course. Marik had a feeling that this was not a good sign because she seemed to enjoy watching people suffer. That meant the course would not be a stroll through the park. He sighed.

Apparently, there were no rules at all, and Ms. Brown pretty much shoved all six groups into a room and told them to start. The first group to the finish would be the winner and would get the air-conditioned bus back home. She added that teamwork would be a very good idea.

The first obstacle was a maze. A simple maze.

Kaiba snorted. "That's all she has to give us? I bet I could find the exit in five minutes."

"Well, let's go then," said Yugi, walking forward into one of the maze beginnings. There were six in all, one for each group, Marik guessed.

The maze was made of some weird plant that was extremely soft. Everyone pretty much followed Kaiba, who seemed to know where he was going. Sometimes, he walked into dead ends, which made Marik feel like punching a hole in the walls around him.

Kaiba soon led the group out of the maze without many problems – except for the fact that Joey had fallen into a hole that had come out of nowhere. Marik had suspected that it was Joey's weight that had triggered the fall because everyone else had walked over it as well.

There was another door, which led to another room. This time, there were six ropes hanging from the ceiling. At the top of each one was a small bell that had to be rung. Kaiba climbed the rope in about fifteen seconds and rang the bell, which made the doors on the other side of the room open. Once everyone had made it through the door, they slammed shut, and they could hear shouts of "That's so unfair!" from the other room.

Marik was just beginning to think that he wouldn't ruin this little contest when the last obstacle came up.

So far, nobody had really had any problems with the other ones. There was one where you had to walk across this large hole that had at least a fifty-foot drop (that one had been outdoors). Ryou was scared of heights, but he managed to crawl across the log with everyone else. Tristan had caused the log to roll around a lot, but thankfully, he had went last, after everyone else had successfully crossed.

The last one was being overseen by Ms. Brown and several other counselors whom Marik had met when he was cleaning the staff cabins. There was a large net – like one you would use when playing tennis – that was strung on two poles, and it was about five feet high. There were thin cushions all around it that looked like they would break if someone stepped lightly on it.

Ms. Brown smiled as the group approached. Marik lingered at the end, hoping she wouldn't notice him. He didn't think she had been very pleased with the way he had cleaned the cabins.

"Well. It looks like Cabin One is number one." There was an eerie tone to her words, and although Joey looked as though he was on the brink of shouting out some stupid phrase similar to that, he kept quiet.

Kaiba smirked. "This isn't the end, is it? I'm assuming you have several more obstacles for us to pass through."

"As a matter of fact, this is the last and the very last obstacle you need to pass through in order to win. Of course...this would probably be the hardest one." Ms. Brown gestured toward the net. "You have to find a way to get everyone from one side of the net to another without actually touching the net. Obviously, you have to go over the net." She paused to make sure the words were taking their effect.

Marik gulped, but his other cabin mates were looking somewhat confused.

"That's it?" asked Yugi, when Ms. Brown gave no sign of anything more complicated. "All we have to do is get over the net?"

"It's not as simple as you think," she snapped.

"Well, we'll show you how easy it is, then," Yugi answered, raising his eyebrows slightly at his cabin mates. "Should we start immediately or wait for the other cabins to arrive?"

"Wait for everyone else to arrive," Kaiba said. "We'll be waiting for a while – I'm sure of that – but it'll be worth it, seeing the look on their faces."

Marik looked from one teammate to another. Weren't they nervous at all about this? It seemed rather impossible. And wouldn't it be better if they got a suitable head start? Who cared if you could show off to all the other cabins? If they got over first, then there wouldn't be anything to brag about...

The other five cabins took at least thirty minutes to get there. Not surprisingly, Cabin Number Two was last. Tea looked as though she were mourning over her new attire, which had gotten incredibly wet when they had tried to cross the logs.

Kaiba immediately went into action. Without much warning, he grabbed the back of Marik's shirt and tossed him over the net. Marik hit the thin cushion hard. It threatened to snap underneath him, but thankfully, it held. He got up to move to the end, but right after that, Ryou came flying down on top of him, followed by Tristan and Joey. Apparently, Kaiba already had the plan of throwing everyone over.

Yugi and Duke got tossed over at the same time and both landed on Marik, as everyone else had successfully crawled away. Kaiba lightly dropped Mokuba on the other end and easily hurdled over the net. There was a long silence as Ms. Brown tried to accept the fact that Cabin One had gotten past the last obstacle without any problems at all.

"Well. It looks like you guys are the winners," she said finally, still gazing at them with disbelief on her face.

"That was simple," Kaiba said, walking out of the room, Mokuba at his heels. The rest of Cabin One followed, Marik clutching at his head, which had gotten rather bruised during the time.

Ms. Brown turned to the other cabins. "Anyone else want to try?" she asked.

A/N: Well. That took almost two months to update. And the chapter wasn't that great, I know...I sort of felt like the campers needed some fun. Maybe I should've described what Cabin Two went through. Oh, well. I think Marik's torture point would be better...

GMAIL! I got Gmail! My username is powerofunity, but not like that's anything you need to know. I'm just happy I got it.

I drew a picture of the three Egyptian God Cards because I was bored out of my wits during one of the breaks. It isn't that great...Ra turned out the best. Slifer looks somewhat like Red-Eyes B. Dragon (I don't know why), and Obelisk is kind of out-of-proportion.


End file.
